Just... too much to said....

Yea, it's a 3rd post in April and it going to end this month in few more day, lol.. Imma really sorry about it although there are just plenty reader of my blog. HAHA.  hhhhmmmmmm, college life are just at the corner. tomorrow, It's going to be a new life perhaps for me.... but, why am I keep feel like do-I-care or what's-wrong-with-me..??
I went for audition in my college talenttime night for singing and dancing item. BOTH I get 2nd audition! wohooooooo!! Very excited and unbelievable, some more get until the final audition for my dancing! oh my..oh  yeahh, forget to introduce my college, TARC college in setapak. I think almost everyone know about that right, or even u guys can google it,muahaha!       And, everything was like mess up and I-dont-know-what-am-I-doing or maybe who-am-I recently..I'm very very very very lost... Feel sad and emo in very deep of my heart easily, serious! Can't stop thinking about everything in my life....Is this really called L-I-F-E ? For now, I Don't Know.

Okay, back to the topic maybe.hahaaa
I think almost everyone around me are excited about their college life/new life/ work life...or whatever life they gonna start on engine and go again for another new life time. BUT, seriously for me...I still dunno where and dunno what to do... "What??? College started? I'm in college now? I'm a college student now??"


Some time, I can't even feel myself...Am I really doing the right thing? Am I choose the best way in my life? I just..Don't Know.




眼看大学升压就在眼前，然而即将面对的我仿佛与我无关似的看待这件事.. 不停地反问自己这一切真的是事实吗? 我要读大学了? 可能这是每一位刚进入大学的学生都有的感觉，也或许只是我有着这样的感受.   是放不下吧.... 感觉踏不到地，漂浮着的很奇怪..




——压力—— 不知是我自己心里给自己的要求太高，或者太高攀自己了..又或者是家中老大，所以所面对的一切.. 对孩子气的我这位姐姐来说，很不习惯.. 现在才是刚刚初步开始的时候，却让我感觉有点喘不过气来，好难受.  是我自己对事事都要求完美，又或者是“物质魔鬼”找上了我.. 我真的很挣扎很挣扎... 在要与不要.. 心疼与魔鬼之间不断的徘徊，紧紧的压着自己，不知怎么办才好.      “物质”真的可以害死很多人，就连我以为自己不会有那么一秒会怀着那样的想法..“魔鬼”却找上了我..   大学生需要的东西很多，而且...所谓的要求物品都是价格非凡，很贵重的物品..   Laptop, Ipad, Iphone,Samsung等等等等都是例子.  我也不例外被抓住了，还有汽车.   看见也仿佛体会到父母亲的辛苦，他们为我的努力。 他们都想过给我最好的，我想要的.. 说我长大了，在他们有能力时，他们希望他们可以给我最好的..  那一样样平时对我来说简直父母不会要买给我的，在这一刻..他们都尽力的四处了解详情之类的. 还找对这些方面很在行的堂哥问了好多好多..   我承认在这里的一些，或许旁者会觉得我一位大学生而已不需要那么贵重的，有其中的1/2样已经是很不错了..  当然其中可能也有挣扎，有些当被他们“ban掉”的时候..口不说不过心里其实有不开心，谁不想得到自己想要的东西呢?    我在天使的自己与恶魔的自己间来回，好难...好难..  我看到父母亲的努力，就连此刻打着字的自己回想起他们为我的努力，可能不是那么轻的负担..他们却笑着说无所谓，目的只想把最好的都给我，在他们认为他们还有能力时...  每想一次，就湿了眼眶，心里....更是深深的感触..    我到底该怎么办? 很想帮他们.. 也想靠自己得到自己想要的.. 根本不想麻烦他们，不想让他们有着即使只是小小的负担..    想坚持着爱他们而把物质都推到，却想着得到起码像个大学生/不要总是被落在大家身后追不上去的丑小鸭..   很挣扎，我究竟该怎么办? 我..是哪个我..?






家中老大一点一点都不好当，我想着把所以的责任都放在肩膀上..却才发觉自己什么都不会..感觉上帮不上忙...对自己确实有些失望.. 不过我在plkn营里训练过的，坚持着的.. 我会的，回到家依然每天在实行.   我看到我自己改变很大，连妈妈也说我进步了很多。从以前的根本不愿意，到现在的凡事都去学习。

I Miss Kem PLKN Sg Rait, Miri so muchhh!!  = (
Wanna know the reason why am I so misss my plkn kem even maybe some of my friend in camp already use to their own life or new life, or maybe started to forget what happened in plkn kem 1month+ before...But, I'm not.I can't even do that.
Actually, It's all about Life and Friend.   
Miri is the only place that are peaceful, pure , lovely etc....... People and Surrounding Life is the things that make me can't even forget about my camp or feel like going back to Miri, and I'll really do once I get that chance!  and, Friend.... KL people are complicated and like full of strategic or maybe hiding knife behind of their smile, for me...It's just so scary.. I'm not saying about ALL..but for my experience,mostly friend that I meet 85% is that kind of people. What can I said ? that's why..Miri make me feel warm, know what? even we're far, but believe or not we still keep texting each other or facebook chat btw us everyday after end of the camp.yeaaaa...is EVERYDAY !! This prove that they're lovely , friendly, and really true friend who really miss you or wish the best of ur luck from their true heart, their soul.  I'm not telling story, just sharing that what I feel.






我还是放不下.. 放不下营里所发生过的一切.. 所以总是感觉漂浮。
砂捞越美里其实真的是个很美很美很美的地方，不过是人，事物，或者生活态度。 至少不像大城市般的繁杂，喧哗，压力，嫉妒，虚伪等等总总负面的态度..  身边的人都仿佛把我看成疯子似的，总是不断的告诉他们 我-想-美-里  ...没人了解也没人懂我这般的感受  会说我很执着很固执吧，呵呵   其实，某些事能够让我有这般的执着，固执一定有着特别的原因..才会让我有这般执着   我只是不想逞强，不想把自己真实的感受也收起来
也有些人说我是因为想逃避，害怕..不敢面对现实而喜欢在营里的那段时间. 在营里真的与外界隔绝，真的活出自己..任何一样活动都让我深深的感受。然而那些，是在这里时我永远做不到的事情，我找不回自己.. 有时更因为害怕做错，而宁可不做. 很负面的态度 我还没找到我自己时，既然告诉我营期到了.. 仿佛未完成的事情般...断了..  该如何..?

Huhhhh..

I think, that's all for this post.

I just, feel like wanna find some place to to voice out.

Thanks and sorry if there any mistake.

= )
Wish I can find my true way.
I miss PLKN and I wish that I can do something for that.

Congrats for the kump 2 pelatih and do remind those jurulatih don't forget ME ! ~